LA in two weeks

I booked the trip spontaneously. Probably in reaction to my breakup. I have no plans but I know I want to do something different. My life has been looping lately and I need to break this mobius strip somehow.

Who wants to hang out with me?
I just want to meet interesting people, do interesting things and be surrounded by art.

More personal stuff

Tonight I did a very challenging but necessary thing. 
My heart was split in half, yet again, in order to focus on making myself whole again. So if you see me and it looks like I’ve been crying, it’s probably because I was. So just hug me or get me a drink or something.

On a personal note

Today is the first day in two years without any hugs, kisses or good morning text messages. This is rough and I wouldn’t wish this upon any of my worst enemies.

I think I’m more attractive as a woman than as a man.

I suppose the makeup helps a lot.

It’s funny how I try to make myself so approachable and remain open-minded, yet people don’t think twice about what I do.

People only ask for things — makeup tips, photography questions, art critiques — when they need something from me. No one ever asks me things simply to learn more about me. No one bothers.

Likewise, no one bothers to tell me their thoughts. So much interaction in the form of likes and reblogs, but no praise or criticism to let me know I made a connection with them. No words, just ambiguous clicks.

I wish I knew what people thought of me because maybe then I wouldn’t think so lowly about myself.

I try not think about it too much, but it bums me out that I’m not the gorgeous type of asian. You know.

Everyone loves those Korean boys or those Japanese guys. Even those Chinese or Thai guys drive peoples’ libidos crazy.
But me? I’m one of those filipino + Chinese mixes that doesn’t look like anyone you’d see on TV or in magazines, so therefore I am not deemed stunning enough to be on TV or magazines. The filipino people you see in the media are the lighter-skinned ones, not the tan ones like me.

It’s fine because I’ve been dealing with this all my life. People always underestimate me based on my appearance. I wind up dazzling them with my other talents, but they still peg me as the goofy one.

Quite frequently I am ignored in public, especially when I’m standing next to someone even remotely attractive. What happens is so-n-so will come up, compliment the person standing next to me (usually one of my models or gorgeous friends) and then will look at me and say they love my bowtie compliment something I’m wearing. It stings that the just went on a rabid rave-fest about my friend’s eyes, face, hair or physique and I am doled out a compliment based on something I happen to be wearing. I leave events early because of this.

I used to think it was all in my imagination. My own paranoia getting the better of me. Surely people must see myself how I see myself, right? Well, I’ve hesitantly entered my face into several superficial sites along the lines of “men of Hawaii” or “sexy asian men”, but I was always the most unpopular photo on there. It was a pity posting on their part.

This type of treatment has been happening my whole life, but I will never get used to it because it’s like a fresh wound every time.

I’ll never get used to this.

Working with gorgeous models is seriously affecting my self-image. It’s distorting my perception of physical self and making me feel ugly.

This insecurity is probably the only “normal” thing about me.

Hey kids. I wish I had something wise to say, but it will just come off sounding selfish or judgmental. Besides, you will not understand or value anything I say until a few years later when you realize how important or insignificant those things were and how fabulous you really looked.

I suppose if I had any lesson to share, it would be that there is so much pain and heartache in this world, so you have to be a beacon of hope. Not for everyone —that would be asking too much— but for someone. Anyone.

No one has ever asked me what my tattoos meant. I guess everyone thinks they know everything, or they just don’t care to know.

Well I’ll tell you.

One of my tattoos is an I-Ching diagram, which translates as “The dependent light”, which means:

You are a candle
Never forget who lit your candle
But now that you are lit
Go light everyone else’s candle