I try not think about it too much, but it bums me out that I’m not the gorgeous type of asian. You know.
Everyone loves those Korean boys or those Japanese guys. Even those Chinese or Thai guys drive peoples’ libidos crazy.
But me? I’m one of those filipino + Chinese mixes that doesn’t look like anyone you’d see on TV or in magazines, so therefore I am not deemed stunning enough to be on TV or magazines. The filipino people you see in the media are the lighter-skinned ones, not the tan ones like me.
It’s fine because I’ve been dealing with this all my life. People always underestimate me based on my appearance. I wind up dazzling them with my other talents, but they still peg me as the goofy one.
Quite frequently I am ignored in public, especially when I’m standing next to someone even remotely attractive. What happens is so-n-so will come up, compliment the person standing next to me (usually one of my models or gorgeous friends) and then will look at me and say they love my bowtie compliment something I’m wearing. It stings that the just went on a rabid rave-fest about my friend’s eyes, face, hair or physique and I am doled out a compliment based on something I happen to be wearing. I leave events early because of this.
I used to think it was all in my imagination. My own paranoia getting the better of me. Surely people must see myself how I see myself, right? Well, I’ve hesitantly entered my face into several superficial sites along the lines of “men of Hawaii” or “sexy asian men”, but I was always the most unpopular photo on there. It was a pity posting on their part.
This type of treatment has been happening my whole life, but I will never get used to it because it’s like a fresh wound every time.
I’ll never get used to this.
Working with gorgeous models is seriously affecting my self-image. It’s distorting my perception of physical self and making me feel ugly.
This insecurity is probably the only “normal” thing about me.
Hey kids. I wish I had something wise to say, but it will just come off sounding selfish or judgmental. Besides, you will not understand or value anything I say until a few years later when you realize how important or insignificant those things were and how fabulous you really looked.
I suppose if I had any lesson to share, it would be that there is so much pain and heartache in this world, so you have to be a beacon of hope. Not for everyone —that would be asking too much— but for someone. Anyone.
No one has ever asked me what my tattoos meant. I guess everyone thinks they know everything, or they just don’t care to know.
Well I’ll tell you.
One of my tattoos is an I-Ching diagram, which translates as “The dependent light”, which means:
You are a candle
Never forget who lit your candle
But now that you are lit
Go light everyone else’s candle
I hate that physical beauty will always trump talents like drawing, painting or creating art. It makes my soul hurt so much.
I think people who willingly share images of people they deem as “sexy” deserve all the self-image issues they receive as a result. If you place value on someone else’s image but not your own, then I have no empathy for you and your insecurities.
When someone calls me by my boy name while I’m in drag, it’s disheartening. In no way am I trying to pass as a biological woman, but my drag persona is still an illusion, one that I work passionately on. To call me by my boy name, especially in public, shatters that illusion and undos all of the hard work done to transform into someone else.
To call me by my boy name also sends a shockwave of doubt into me. Did I do my makeup wrong? Can you see my beard shadow? Did I break character?
You may take confidence for granted, but for someone who steps out of his house in heels and hosiery and has to walk the city at night by himself, confidence is key.
Just be respectful.
And if all else fails and the name escapes you at the moment, just call me “gorgeous” and that will work just fine.
My work requires me to put on makeup so when I’m having horrible allergy days like today, I am unable to work because the powders make me sneeze and I just end up wiping off everything near my nose/mouth area, rendering my work moot.
Part of me wants to sleep and the other part of me wants to put on makeup and work regardless.
Last week was the Rainbow Film Festival in Honolulu. I was too busy performing to go see all the fantastic films, but I rearranged one of my appointments to go see the film “I AM DIVINE” and I had no regrets.
I rolled out of bed with mascara still on, put on my nearest, cleanest boy clothes and went to meet my friends. I even took my intern with me because I wanted it to inspire her.
It was wonderful and I will own it on DVD when it comes out. If you are a fan of Divine, John Waters, Independent Films or have ever had trouble finding your “voice” then you need to see it.